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Meeting Others with Eye Contact

· 3 min read
Adam Kecskes
Adam Kecskes
Speaking Coach & Leadership Advisor

When I was a kid, I was terminally shy. The concept of eye contact was as terrifying as jumping off a bridge. The sensation of the hair raising on my back each time I'd even glance someone's way was a clear sign of being in a flight response. If I didn't know you, I probably barely would look you in the eye.

Thankfully, partly through the miracle of puberty and then practice through college, I had far less trouble making eye contact with folks; came to understand the cultural norms regarding it as well, just so I didn't overshoot any tender boundaries.

What I've noticed over the years in networking and business meetings is almost an inverse problem that I had — people are too focused on eye contact. Not in a creepy way, but in an exclusitory way.

When your engaged in a circle of folks at a networking event or around a table in a meeting room, make sure that you engage with everyone. If you're speaking, look not only at the main target of your comments, but also glance around at the other folks, giving them at least a micro-second of empathic connection with your eyes. What I often observe is that the speaker of the moment cannot take their eyes off one person, almost forgetting other people are around them.

This is what I mean by eye contact being used in a exclusionary way. Instead, by at least scanning the other observers you become inclusionary. The benefits are:

  1. You can see the state of your listeners; are you boring them? Exciting them? Their micro-expressions will tell you legions.
  2. You give yourself a bit of break from staring at the same person; likewise, you give the person your staring at a break and an reason for them too to look at the other folks.
  3. When you return to your main focus, you can given them the opportunity to respond back. Glancing around is a great "pre-check" that your point has been made, and then you are handing over the baton for another person to take.

That's inclusion through eye contact. So watch yourself next time you're in a meeting. Keep a conscious tally of how often you look around at the other folks in the space. Let them feel involved. Even if they are a shy as I was as a kid, and don't say anything at all, they'll be glad when your give them a friendly look.

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